Ahh, Science

For years, I found myself arguing with anyone who’d listen that I had it much tougher than my younger siblings did. But nobody ever really listened. Nobody believed me.

But ahh, sweet SCIENCE to the rescue.

A recent study at Johns Hopkins University concluded that the oldest kid does in fact have it worse when it comes to parental strictness -- while the younger brothers and sisters generally coast on by. And I couldn’t agree more.

I know, I know – many of you are sitting there, saying to yourselves, “Get over it, Ray. You’re 27 now --- it’s all in the past.” And yeah, sure, that’s a somewhat-valid point. What’s done is done, you can’t change the past…

But what you can change is the future.

I think something needs to be done for the oldest sibling. A token of appreciation, if you will. Sure, we get our privileges as the oldest: we were at the top of the family food chain and we beat the crap out of the younger siblings. Our parents also love us the most (you know it’s true). And yes we are third in command after Mom & Dad (first in charge when they croak) and we abuse those privileges extensively to make our kid sister(s) get us something to drink (with ICE, I said!!).

But screw all those petty privileges --- I want MORE. I want something better. A bit of compensation, perhaps.

I want … ‘Older Brother Reparations.’

So, dear younger brother & sisters: you fuckers OWE ME. There’s now way you can deny that I paved the way for you guys. I paved the way for you to stay out late. I blazed the trail that allows you to drink at weddings and get cellphones at 16. I set the precedents that allowed you to get tattoos and bellybutton piercings (silly younger brother). And now it’s time for me to collect!!

Here is a list of the things I want to see enacted as soon as possible. Petitions are in the process of being sent to Attorney Generals, Senators, Rabbis, and all the other powers-that-be. Read em and weep:

1. Older Brother Day (August 21^st) – I want this declared a holiday. I want a 24-hour period of worship commemorating my necessary sacrifices. Without me, you’d still have to be home by eleven and Mom wouldn’t let you watch Married With Children.

2. Money – I just want some. For all the “older brother crap” I had to do (drive you to school, beat-up bullies, buy beer, play Barbies, etc). At roughly 10 bucks an hour (an amount I picked for no reason), multiplied by the number of “older brother duty” hours I accumulated (also completely made up) … by my estimates you each owe me = about 40 grand. Or you could just pay off my student loans.

3. A Bust of My Head On Mom & Dad’s Mantle – After all, I am a hero. Or, at least, I’m not in prison. That’s as good of an example as anyone can set. If I were in prison, you guys’d be fucked. Make it a bronze statue. Not a fan of marble.

4. An Older Brother Montage Song – Hey, you guys are the musicians, figure it out. Just make me swoon is all I ask. Or cry. Either is fine.

5. On Second thought... -- Just make it a Montage VIDEO, of all my 'greatest hits' as an older brother. C'mon, there's plenty; it's at least a double-disc set.

6. Time – I washed a lot of dishes, cut a lot of lawns, and painted every room in the house because you guys sucked at it. Or you pretended to suck at it. Either way, Mom & Dad didn’t trust you to do it so they asked ME, the ever-dependable/workhorse older bro. I figure with the frequency of me getting screwed cost me a significant amount of time during my adolescent years. So -- Mow my lawn for the rest of 2008 and we’ll call it even. Oh, and I need one of you to stuff my gutters full of leaves for the cold months ahead. You know, for insulation.