The 4th of July is a time for friends … a time for family … and a time to blow shit up. With that in mind, here are the official True Stories “Fireworks Safety Tips & Guidelines for Being Safe with Fireworks Outside While Lighting Fireworks.” Enjoy!
1. When lighting fireworks, ALWAYS be sure that the action figure/G.I. Joe is pointed AWAY from you and others. You won’t earn any Purple Hearts or Silver Stars taking Hasbro shrapnel in the leg, bro.
2. When lighting ‘Roman Candles,” it’s always important to NEVER point them at yourself. Keep them pointed at the person you are tying to shoot at ALL times.
3. With the vast majority of U.S. citizens having either cell phones or calling cards, it is no longer a lucrative operation to blow up payphones using M-80s or H-1000s. However, it’s still pretty awesome. Just remember: always practice fireworks safety and holla if you see for Five-0. Whoop-whoooop!!
4. If you are over the age of 13 and male, NEVER, under any circumstances, attempt to handle a lit “Sparkler.” Aside from it being unsafe, it’s EXTREMELY gay.
5. NEVER light fireworks when you are pumping gasoline into your car. That is, unless, you’re done filling up … and you’re looking to make some sort of a rebellious statement. Then, of course, by all means…
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