I'll Give You A War You Won't Believe ...

On January 25th, I shall bear witness to Rambo, the 4th installment in Sylvester Stallone's epic John Rambo saga. I can tell you without much reserve that I myself will be rocking a little green-jade Buddah necklace throughout the entirety of that magical day. Will I be packing a 14-inch survival knife with a compass in the handle at the time you ask? You bet your ass I'll be. God forbid I should get injured in the theater parking lot before the movie starts ... but if I do I want to be sure that I have the fish hooks and fishing line contained in the handle of my knife ... in order to be able to stitch myself up. You know, in order to survive.



Will I wear a red headband to the theater, you say? Maybe. But only if my Vietnamese girlfriend dies in my arms right before the movie. Knock on wood.

I'm also preparing for the occasion by making my friend Kevin sharpen sticks in my basement (as we speak). It's just like I used to do when we were kids. You see, I was a few years older than Kevin and ... "WHAT THE FUCK??? MAN YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS BACK DOWN STAIRS RIGHT NOW DUDE OR I WILL KILL YOUR WHOLE GODDAMN FAMILY IN THEIR SLEEP, YOU HEAR ME???!!!!!" ... Oh, sorry. He wanted a glass of water. Anyway, I was a bit older and my mom used to babysit for him and ... well, you know how kids are!

Anyway, in this film (from what I can tell), John Rambo is older. And wiser. And I think he's grouchier. He's a pissed off old dude. Instead of just stabbing a guy in the heart with his ridiculously-large (and fucking sweet) bowie knife like he used to, old man Rambo is ripping out dudes' throats and making guys explode after he's already killed them. Which is pretty sweet. But apparently age has not tamed the man.

So, needless to say -- I'm pumped. And you should be too. Because John Rambo is an American hero. Why? Because he killed a lot of guys in 'Nam. And he is still killing guys in 'Nam. And he's doing it all for you. So show some gratitude.

Anyway -- see you in line on January 25th! I'll be the vagrant with the military-issued sleeping bag slung over his shoulder. The one who looks like he needs a bath and a haircut --- maybe if he had one he wouldn't get hassled so much. Hopefully they'll just let me get something to eat.

And remember: "When you're pushed, killin's as easy as breathin."