TOP 10 THINGS I’D LOVE TO DO THIS HOLIDAY SEASON (BUT PROBABLY WON’T HAVE TIME TO)

1. Go outside and make a snowman that looks just like Burl Ives (“Siiiiiilver and Gold …”). And then punch his goddamn head off.

2. Translate the lyrics of “Feliz Navidad” into English and finally see what all the fuss is about.

3. Invite Daniel Stern over to my house and set it up so that when he goes to use my bathroom he switches on a BOOBIE-TRAPPED light switch that will electrocute him and release a swinging paint-can that will smash him in his face. Then when he walks out of the bathroom he’ll slip and fall on some Micro-Machines. When it’s all over, I make him finish up his visit with a life-lesson voice-over (a la “The Wonder Years”) before I throw him out.

4. Watch the timeless classic "A Very Saved by the Bell Christmas" at least five times this year. I never get tired of seeing how fast Zack Morris can get a homeless girl's pants off using only a Chick-Fil-A sandwich and waffle fries as bait. Remember when her Dad was shaving in the mall bathroom? What a bum -- literally!

5. Put on the hi-fi and listen to Rush’s epic, classic 37-minute rendition of “Hava Nagila.”

6. Freeze a body part to a flagpole. Doesn’t matter which one.

7. Sneak into the JCC and swap out all their Hanukkah food with non-kosher food! Boy will those Jews be salty!

8. Chop-and-screw the “Chipmunk’s Christmas Song” and find out once and for all who is really doing all that singing (I know it’s you, C-lo).

9. Convince the Senate that forcing a reindeer to put on a FAKE black nose in order to cover-up his shiny red one is in fact a hate-crime (Donner, you’re an ASSHOLE – he was your SON!).

10. Catch Santa as he comes down the chimney and make him do drugs with me.