A Letter to Dick's Sports

Dear Dick’s Sporting Goods,

Recently I was in the market for a speed bag. You know, the classic piece of boxing apparatus made famous by Sylvester Stallone in the Rocky movies (a bunch of real-life boxer guys used ‘em too). But first, I did what any American shopper would do: I looked online for the best price. I checked out MCSports.com, eBay, Buy.com … but then I thought, “Hmm, now who has everyday low prices and a great selection of items for all your sporting needs?”

Why, Dick’s Sports of course!

And so, I checked out DICKS.COM. But that wasn’t your website. Not even close. No, instead it was exactly what you might think it was: a whole bunch of DICKS everywhere. Wow, there were so many DICKS. And they were EVERYWHERE.

Now, I’m not saying that I was looking for this speed bag while I was at work or anything, okay? I mean, it’s not like I was on the internet during work when I had this really super-important project that I needed to get done or anything, okay? But if I had been, can you imagine wasting valuable work time shopping for training equipment and then suddenly having your boss walk by as you click on DICKS.COM and see a vicious onslaught of oversized cocks invading the monitor and bursting out of your cubicle? Because if that happened, that would suck, Dick’s Sporting Goods. It would suck bad.

Bottom line is: I’m mad! You really should have considered the consumer when you named your store after an inherently funny word. Yeah, I know it’s a guy’s name, dummy, my Grandfather’s name is Richard and they used to call him Dick back in the day -- but having the hottest prices in town AND a name that when you type it in the address line it takes you to the gayest website on the Internet is NOT COOL.

So what do I want? Nothing. At least nothing you can give me. Can you give me my innocence back? Doubt it. I just ... didn’t need to see that. I didn’t want to see what I saw. I wanted to see a piping-hot price tag on one of your best-selling speed bags, not a piping-hot dump being taken on some German guy’s chest by a dude they refer to in the gay community as a “Big Bear.” Again, NOT COOL.

No longer a customer,

Ray

PS -- When do the new Jordan’s come out?