Winter Prep 2007

Having lived in the Midwest all my life, I like to think that I know a thing or two about getting ready for “Old Man Winter” and all his fury. Actually, it’s not much of a “fury,” per se, but more of a “wrath.” Ehh … even that sounds a bit harsh.

You see, “Old Man Winter” is old -- very old. He doesn’t see too well (hence all the squinting) and his judgment is just about shot (hence the erratic behavior). So, dealing with winter is actually more like being on the road on a Sunday during church-time, surrounded by slow-moving Cadillacs and Park Avenues -- it’s dangerous, scary, and incredibly unpredictable.

So in order to help you prepare for “The Old Man” (AKA “winter”), I’ve put together a list of useful tips and helpful information, gathered from my years and years of experience dealing with the cold.

Tip #1 – Never Clean Your Gutters
I can’t stress this one enough! In my experience I’ve found that letting your gutters fill up with water and freeze is actually a GREAT way to insulate your home. Plus the gigantic stalactite-esque icicles that your gutters will produce also gives your home a very festive wintry look, perfect for creating that “Winter Wonderland” you sing about each December!

Tip #2 – Don’t Rake Those Leaves!
“Leaving” the leaves (yeah, I said it) where they are is a great way to keep your grass warm and dry all winter long. Think of that layer of fall foliage as a sort-of “long-underwear for your lawn.” If your grass could talk, it would say, “Boy am I toasty!”

Tip #3 – Crack Your Windows During the Day
Everyone knows that the daytime is warmer than the night time (cuz it’s when the sun is out, dummy!). So, open up your windows and let all that warm, sunny air into the house. Sure it may feel cold, but looks can be deceiving. You see, each one of those air cells has been roasted by the sun’s ultraviolet-rays prior to entering your home. Once they’re inside, they’ll “pop” and release a burst of hot energy (scientifically known as “heat poppers”), warming your home from top to bottom!

Tip #4 – When Things Get Cold, Turn on the Oven
Fire marshals may disagree, but blasting your oven or broiler with the door open is a great (and cost-effective) way to add supplemental heat to your home!


Other tips:
- Don’t drain your hose. Simply tie the ends into a knot and save all that summertime water – it’s full of valuable nutrients

- Forget the defrosters – instead, use hot water on your windshield each morning

- When driving in the snow, always accelerate as fast as possible and “peel out” your tires. This ensures that the rubber portion heats up, turning your car into a literal “Chariot of Fire” that will melt away any snow you encounter