A Day In The Life

I literally get thousands of emails every day from True Stories readers, asking me things like, “Ray, what is it that you do all day?” and “Ray, why is your writing not good anymore?” Well today, I’d like to answer that question for you.

So, here’s what a very typical day consists of for me:

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6:45 AM – Wake up. Kiss my wife, and whoever else is in bed with us.

6:50 AM – Practice martial arts as the sun comes up over the mountains. Playing in the background is a very rousing, powerful training/movie-montage song that I wrote myself.

7:01 AM – Bathe in the crisp waters of the river that runs alongside our cottage. Then, dress myself in clean linen robes and strap hand-fashioned sandals onto my bare feet.

7:05 AM – Change out of the robes after my wife tells me how fucking stupid I look.

7:07 AM – Get into my classic Porsche 911 and head to McDonalds for a Sausage Biscuit/hashbrown combo. I buy nothing for the wife after that last comment about the robes.

7:25 AM – Login to “True Stories” and post yet another hilarious, award-winning article. Or, take like 60 seconds to find a funny video on YouTube and write something really, really fast and unpolished to accompany it. Depends on how I’m feeling from the night before -- you know, especially after that marathon lovemaking session I had my wife and her 3 really hot friends (that also double as our maids).

7:36 AM – Get distracted by the ladies of The Weather Channel yet again.

7:38 AM – Develop an aching boner as I watch the Local on the 8s.

7:45 AM – Make sweet love to one of the maids as she comes in for the day shift … but only after I return home from McDonald’s for the second time (I knew I should’ve gotten something for the wife).

7:50 AM – Nunchuk practice on top of the roof.

8:22 AM – Guitar solo for the entire neighborhood, also from the roof.

9:00 AM – Head in to “work” for the day. In actuality, “work” is a place that looks like an office, runs like an office, and even has “employees” like an office – but I go there because my doctor says I need to sit around on my ass more (apparently I’m way too active).

9:30 AM – Smoke dope with one of the janitors out in the parking lot.

9:35 AM – Lose my keycard which allows me access into the building.

10:00 AM –

11:00 AM –

12:00 AM – Find my keycard in my pocket and go back into the building.

12:05 AM – Grab my car keys and head out for lunch.

12:30 PM – Lobster with Daryl Hannah. Look at her eat that thing!

1:30 PM – Sex with Daryl Hannah.

2:11 PM – Sneak out of DH’s apartment before she wakes up.

4:53 PM – Head back in to work. Ignore all 700 messages in my inbox and close Outlook. Boy, those people in my department sure do email a lot!

4:59 PM – Shut down for the day and head out to the parking lot.

5:00 PM – Speed out of the parking lot like I worked really, really hard that day and now I’m super-angry.

5:05 PM – Get really angry (for real) because everyone is doing 60 across all 3 lanes on the highway.

5:06 PM – Daydream about killing everyone on the road. Fantasize about having machine gun turrets mounted on top of my car. Hum the Knight Rider theme-song to myself.

5:07 PM – Realize that the voice of “KIT” on Knight Rider was actually Mr. Feeney from Boy Meets World.

5:08 PM – Think about how gay Boy Meets World turned out to be.

5:12 PM – Knife someone in the chest after a seriously-heated road-rage argument.

5:14 PM – Evade a swarm of police cruisers.

5:24 PM – Shoot it out with the cops.

5:35 PM – Come home and relax after a hard days work.

5:55 PM - Watch the last 5 minutes of Boy Meets World and affirm my earlier realization that it did in fact become the gayest show ever.

6:00 PM – Work out in my basement with this guy --->

7:30 PM – Jeopardy

8:00 PM – Depart into the city under the cover of night and fight crime.

12:00 AM – Return home and hand-type my soon-to-be-published memoirs.

1:35 AM – Booty-call from Sigourney Weaver.

2:35 AM – Home again

3:39 AM – Marathon sex session #2

5:50 AM - Protein bar

5:55 AM – Sleep

6:45 AM – Wake up and do it all over again