Halloween Awesomeness

If you’ve ever met me, overheard me ramble, or read my super-secret diary, then you’d know just how much I love Halloween. I mean, I actually LIVE for it. And when I say “live,” I mean just that. Because I don’t just “dress up” on Halloween -- I transform.

We’re talkin’ 364 days of preparation, and one night of perfection. Because, like I said, I don’t just put on a costume… I become the character. To put it bluntly: I “De Niro” that shit.

Like last year I was all ripped and whatnot, so I went out as John Basedow… you know, the guy who does those workout commercials and he’s always flexing/lifting under a waterfall for some reason and he has sort of a lesbian pompadour going on? Yeah, that costume was a huge hit.



Or the year before when I ballooned up to 340 and went as Jared from Subway (the “before” version) -- that took some serious discipline (thanks again, "Frito Lay diet"). But again, I’m all about commitment.

And I’m always looking for/thinking about future costume ideas. Like if I ever lose a leg, BAM: I’m a pirate for Halloween every year. Or if I ever wind up rockin’ a wheelchair: I’m Corey Haim in “Silver Bullet.” Those are extreme circumstances, I know, but hey -- you gotta look on the bright side of things.



I even daydream, from time to time, about how SWEET it’s going to be when I lose my hair. I mean, think about how many great, bald cinema-psychopaths there are: Hannibal Lector, Nicholson in “The Shining”, Clarence Boddicker (“Robocop”), either one of the Fratelli Brothers (“Goonies”), about 4 Kevin Spacey characters, or Joe Pesci from “Home Alone.” The sky’s the limit (when I’m bald)!

skip to 5:25 = best line ever (after being arrested)

Anyway, Halloween’s right around the corner, so there’s no time to try and do what I did. Your best bet is to wait until November 1st and either begin some sort of extreme diet regimen or become involved in a freak, life-altering accident. That’s where I’d start. In the meantime, I do have a few other Halloween “pointers” to throw your way… Enjoy!

“HALLOWEEN FUN” TIPS

1.) Safety is vital around Halloween time, and when it comes to candy you can never be too safe. So, be sure to check all candy before passing any out. One measure is to completely unwrap and inspect each piece, ensuring that it’s free from poison, razors, or (especially) lead paint -- since most candy comes from China* (*a fact I just made up a second ago). When inspection is complete, simply re-wrap candy, place in bowl and have fun handing out all those super-safe treats!


2.) Trick-or-treaters sure do love getting treats… but they also love tricks. So, be sure to set up a number of elaborate Rube Goldberg-style booby-traps and plenty of large objects to obstruct a clear path to your front door. Kids these days love a good challenge anyway. Fire is also a good alternative.

3.) If you have children who are going out trick-or-treating, it’s a good idea to starve them for at least 11 hours prior. Sure, they’ll cry hunger -- but you know better. Letting them go hungry is a good way to instill a good ol’ fashioned American work-ethic in them, where being “hungry” can make for a quick rise to the top. After all, that’s what capitalism’s all about! And when they come home with 4 pillowcases full of candy (as opposed to their friends’ 1 pillowcase) they’ll thank you with all their heart for teaching them such discipline.

4.) Hey, it’s Halloween… so be scary! Turn off all your lights, set up a chair in the bushes, and ask kids -- in a soft, creepy whisper -- if they “want some candy.” Or, jump out of a tree and “candy ambush” them (kids love that)! OR -- if no kids come down your street, passing out candy from the side door of your van is a practical solution (the only scary part there is high gas prices!).


5.) When your children return home from trick-or-treating, be sure to inspect their candy for them. Take special care to remove any “unhealthy” items and replace them with delicious, whole-grain solutions. Then, take all 60 of those Reese’s Cups and stash them in your closet. You want to be Jared next year for Halloween, don’t you?