Hey Maxim, it’s me, Ray. Listen … I’m not sure there’s an easy way to tell you this, but … well, fuck it -- I’m done with you, Maxim. Shhh. Don’t say anything, don’t make it harder. It’s best to just end it fast, like pulling off a band-aid or removing a 9 millimeter slug from your shoulder after a shoot-out with the cops. Let’s just end this amicably and go our separate ways, okay?
C’mon, don’t do this, you’re making a scene. Look ….let’s just … okay, fine, you really wanna know? You wanna know why? Okay, fine, I’ll tell you. Basically, I’ve outgrown you. And even more than that – you been fuckin’ up a lot lately.
It’s not one thing in particular -- it’s collective. Like what? C'mon, you know what. Like how bout the Black Crowes fuck-up? That was really, really uncool. I mean, I’m not even a Crowes fan, but I love music enough to know I can’t make a judgment or offer a valid opinion on something until I’VE HEARD THE ENTIRE THING. I mean, I had to at least hear Nickelback once to know they were the shittiest band ever. Anyway, what you printed was, quite frankly, retarded. I can only hope the writer of that review and the editor above him/her got fired and banished to … but even then, it doesn’t make it right.
And then things went from bad to worse.
March issue, Avril fucking Lavigne. What in God’s name were you thinking?
Let me get this straight -- you publish 12 issues a year TOTAL, meaning that only 12 hot girls get to grace the cover of your publication -- and y ou pick Avril Lavigne as one of them?? The most un-hot, ratty-looking Canadian “Punk rocker” in the history of, well … ratty-looking, Canadian “Punk rockers.” "Punk" is in quotes for an obvious reason -- just how PUNK are you if 7 of your hits are featured in the “Kid’s-Bop Vol. 12” commercials?
To be fair, Maxim, I’d say a good 85-90% of your models are essentially talent-less. But nearly ALL of them tend to have great racks or nice dupas -- so talent really isn’t the issue. What IS the issue here is that Avril Lavigne is not hot and possesses neither the rack nor the can to cut the mustard. She’s about a buck o’five soaking wet, with no curves to speak of. Plus she sucks. At music and at life. I can think of 1,000 chicks I’d rather see on your cover than her. Literally, a thousand (I can name them all if necessary).
But perhaps your BIGGEST eff-up to date was this past February’s issue. To my horror, I discovered that you put Heidi Montag, “star” of The Hills, on the cover. Come one -- really? Heidi Montag?? Not hot, not talented, not ... what the hell does this chick actually do?
I wouldn’t bang her with Charlie Sheen’s dick. I would never hit a girl -- but I have, if only for a second, actually entertained the idea of having a sex-change operation just to become a woman for a day so I could punch this bitch in her goddamn NECK. Did I mention I don’t like her?
I really thought I knew you better, Maxim -- but apparently I don’t know you at all. Throughout the years I've valued your opinion and trusted in your advice. That time you taught me how to make a “hobo stove” out of a beer can? That proved to be invaluable during the summer that I actually became a hobo. Or the time you had a badass MMA fighter show me how top take a punch to the head – thanks to you, I’m really good at that!
But putting Heidi Montag on your cover proves to me that your judgment is SHOT. If I wanted to see one of those plastic MTV skanks, I’d walk down to the ladies room and snag me the latest issue of Us Weekly. Why anyone cares about this chick or that show is something I ask myself at least 1,300 times a day. I kind of just chalked it up to the mystery that is women, seeing as I know NO men who watch The Hills. So why do this to us? Why taint our bathroom periodicals with this atrocity of a girl?? The fact that I even know who she IS is upsetting; media over-saturation will do that. But seeing her on your cover was the last straw. I’ve had enough.
Yeah sure you followed up the issue with super-hot Jaime King on the cover for April, and for a minute you sort of redeemed yourself. But after taking a step back I realized that it was too little too late. You and I are through.
Don’t look at me like that. You brought this upon yourself. You’re just too immature for me. And it doesn’t look like you’ll ever grow up. Don’t get me wrong, I love looking at swollen shirt-rockets on writhing chicks clad in lacy unmentionables as much as the next horny guy. But it’s just time I move on. Besides ... my tastes have shifted.
As I’ve forged ahead through my late 20s, I realize that now -- I’m really into hot moms. I'll go with Jamie Gertz over Ashley Simpson ANY DAY (not the coked-out Less Than Zero Jamie Gertz -- the Still Standing Jamie Gertz).
In fact, I just got my first issue of (ironically-titled) Hot Momz Magazine. First issue – the hot MILFs from the Weather Channel. I swear to God, every morning I watch the Local On The 8s and when cold fronts blow in from
Anyway, I may stop by once in a while and see how you’re doing, but don’t get your hopes up. We can stay in touch, but it’s only because we have a child together. It’s been fun.
Farewell, Maxim.
2 comments:
Holy shit dude, you are so fucking right. I pretty much called it quits with Maxim when they placed Lindsay Lohan in the #1 spot for top 100 of 2007. That was it, the last straw as they say. Without hesitation I broke up with Maxim. Sometimes I glance over at a copy on the stands, and immediately I am reminded of my good decision.
Glad to hear I'm not alone on this one.
It's hard, and there have been many nights spent sobbing face-down into my pillow... but leaving that ol' rag called Maxim was the best decision I could've made.
Stay strong, bro. Stay strong ...
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