Oct 5, 2007

The Wolf Shirt: An All-American Classic


Wolf shirts. You've seen them -- they're everywhere. At the supermarket. The stadium. Wal-mart. NASCAR events. On numerous episodes of COPS.

But are you truly aware of the awesome power that these great pieces of mythical apparel hold? Do you know how much tuffer they make you? Are you aware that your chances of impregnating someone increase by over 700% if you're wearing a wolf shirt during the time of intercourse? It's scientifically proven*!

Today, we take a closer look at how the Wolf T-shirt became a modern-day phenomenon and a staple in American fashion ... and how it changed the world forever.


The wolf t-shirt was invented in 1985 by Rick Spindleshank of Jaredsberg, Arkansas. Legend has it that Rick was sitting on his couch watching television, when suddenly -- he had a revelation:

"I was sittin' on the couch, drinkin' some tallboys and whatnot. Fer some reason, I said to myself, 'Man. Ain't nothin' tougher than no wolf.' Funny thing is, I wasn't even watchin' nothin' bout no wolves, neither. Shit, at the time, I was watchin' Plinko on The Price is Right. But then all of a sudden, I got this idea: I said, 'Man. I should put a wolf on the front of a shirt!'"

From there, the rest is history. Rick developed the idea and began production, all the while unaware that his idea would revolutionize modern clothing styles for the rest of time.

"So I had the idea bout them wolf shirts, and I couldn't get it outta my head. So I called up this friend of mine named Slim ... cuz, see, Slim used to make these bootleg Hypercolor t-shirts, but see, they ain't never worked right on account of him stumblin' across the color-changin' chemical formula one night when he was tryin' to cook up some meth. So the shirts never changed color right, and whoever wore them shirts wound up in the infirmary with chemical poisonin'. But so anyway, Slim had a t-shirt machine in his trailer and so I went down and I told him bout my idea and we started drawing up, uh, protocols or whatever and then we made us some killer shirts, man."

The wolf t-shirt business took off like a rocket. Rick sold more wolf shirts than he ever could have imagined.

The following year, however, tragedy struck Rick's life:

"Shit, man, one day, some fancy-suit-wearin' sombitch came by and he said, 'Hey, man, I wanna buy yer company.' And I said, 'Hey, you listen to me, you son of a bitch, Wolf Shirt Incorporated ain't fer sale, buddy.' And I poked him wit' my finger to show him I was serious and everything. And then he opened up this real fancy-lookin' briefcase, and he pulled out 25 tickets to go see Bad Company LIVE for that weekend, and then he gave me $500 bucks, and so I said to him, 'Hey pal. You got yourself a god-damned deal.'"

Rick later lamented: "Man I wish I'da held out fer a thousand."

Wolf shirts have permeated our culture at and astonishing rate. It's been estimated that 1 out of every 3 Americans owns a wolf shirt of some kind*. Scientists also estimate that by the year 2087, nearly half of the world's population will own some sort of wolf-related clothing*. And during a recent study done at the Harvard Avenue Research Center for Science, it was concluded that wolf shirts will play a large role in human evolution for years to come.

Educated scientist Carl Sanderson had this to add: "It's proven that women are more attracted to men wearing a wolf shirt then men who are not. So, when choosing mates, women will more times than less choose one who is wearing a wolf shirt, simply because these men are seen as being tougher and more desirable than their non-wolf-shirt-wearing counterparts. As this number continues to rise, more and more people will need to adapt in order to procreate. So, you see, wearing a wolf shirt will not only be incredibly fashionable -- it will be necessary as a means to survive."

With these kind of numbers, it's difficult to argue the fact that the wolf shirt has permanently fixated itself into our popular culture.

It should also be noted that the Hollywood "wolf-wear" is on the rise. Distinguished actor Peter Weller, of Robocop fame, apparently never leaves home without a wolf t-shirt on. As one urban legend has it, Weller apparently wore nothing but a wolf t-shirt underneath his costume during production of the film Robocop. The same has been said about John Stamos during his infamous portrayal of "Uncle Jesse", though this fact has yet to be proven.

Nevertheless, the wolf shirt is here to stay. It is often viewed upon by many as a symbol for numerous ideals and values: Badassness. Tuffness. The ability to fight. The ability to punch someone really hard. And most importantly: animalistic sexual prowess. What started as one man's simple idea has transformed into a status symbol for some... and a way of life for many.

To learn more, visit your local library and ask a librarian to direct you to the "Wolf T-shirt section," where you'll find a vast collection of information about the history and cultural impact of one of America's greatest innovations ... the wolf shirt.

*No science was involved in this scientific study.


Candice said...

RAY you are the shit! I love wolf shirts SO much!!!!!

Ray said...

Hey thanks! If it werent for wolf shirts i would not be married. Or straight!