I have watched Tom Coughlin say the word "Goddammit" on TV at least 4,381 times over the last several NFL seasons. But like the great yeti or the ever-elusive Bigfoot, I lacked proof of such allegations... until recently.
Thanks to modern technology, I caught ol' coachie in the act doing what he does best: saying the word goddammit.
** BONUS "GODDAMMIT" BEDROOM POSTER! **
Directions: 1). Print "GODDAMMIT" Bedroom Poster 2). Use scissors to cut around edges of "GODDAMMIT" Bedroom Poster 3). Mount "GODDAMMIT" Bedroom Poster to bedroom wall using copious amounts of gorilla tape, super glue, or liquid nails
If you like stabbing and/or you enjoy seeing David Caruso get ambushed and stabbed in the legs by John Rambo, then this is the place for you. In other words, this place is for everyone, because who doesn't enjoy stabbings -- especially when they involve David Caruso? What a dumb question.
FACT: If Gordon Bombay hadn't gotten that DUI, there would have been no Mighty Ducks.
So remember, the next time you get jammed up for blowing a .114 in a field sobriety test, don't beat yourself up too badly. You might just wind up turning some kid's life around. Or a whole team's.
Blossom is perhaps best-known for saving Maculay Culkin from being bitten and probably raped by The Wet Bandits at the end of the film (spoiler alert). Mr. Blossom is also famous for causing young Macaulay to shoplift a toothbrush by simply looking at the boy with his patented "scary-old-man-stare" and the always-effective "bandaged/bloody hand" routine. He also apparently acted in a bunch of other movies that weren't Home Alone.
Tonight, I pour out some liquor and raise a snow shovel to the man who made it cool again to trust creepy, grizzled, and potentially-homicidal old guys.
Tonight, I salt the streets in memory of Old man Marley.
The heartwarming story of golden-voiced hobo Ted Williams captivated a nation last week after a YouTube video of him demonstrating his vocal talents went viral. I imagine in the coming weeks hundreds of desperate talent agencies across the U.S. will look to capitalize and take to the streets, looking for the next big thing:
AGENT: Excuse me, sir. Yes, you with the shopping cart. Can I hear your voice?
BUM: Man, you got a quarter?
AGENT: Excellent, you're signed. Let's make a fucking gold record.
Meanwhile, everyone in the world is really excited for Ted -- especially his family. Turns out ol’ Teddy Bear lost touch with/bailed on (same thing, right?) his family 23 years ago and hasn’t been around much the last two decades or so. But now he’s back, so hey -- let's make him a celebrity. In fact, let's hire him to do Kraft Macaroni 'n Cheese commercials and offer him a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers. Yeah! And while we're at it, let's invite him to appear on Dr. Phil, Entertainment Tonight, and spend thousands of dollars sending him off to rehab.
And to think some people say America rewards undeserving people...
It's hot outside, REALLY hot. So these dudes do what any other guys out there would do on a hot hot HOT day: they line up, get a running start and SLAM into each other, EXPLODING AND SPRAYING ALL OVER OTHER GUYS' FACES (I'm assuming it's Sprite that's being sprayed). The only way this commercial could be any gayer was if someone re-cut it with "It's Raining Men" playing in the background.
This one is just kinda gay:
I guess I'm just so used to seeing half-naked chicks with hypnotic boobs sell me shit on TV that a little good ol' fashioned "Boy time" seems out of place to me now...
Then again, they did EXPLODE ALL OVER each other. And those other dudes were showering in that shit, they had their eyes closed & heads back and they were letting the spray hit their faces like an Herbal Essences commercial. Since when did refreshing lemon-lime soda become synonymous with homoerotic playground behavior?
The endless hours of wondering what teenage dinosaurs did back in the day are finally over --- science has once again stepped in and set the record straight.
Time to say farewell to the 2008 NFL Football season. And Boy George what a spectacular season it's been. So many great memories, so much excitement... so much passion. Throbbing passion…
…Like the passion Tony Kornheiser has for ruining Monday Night Football. Or the passion he has for Brett Favre. Kornheiser (aka the Woody Allen of color commentary) had a total boner for the Favre retirement/un-retirement/trade/soap opera-thing that went on early in the season. But then he couldn’t let it go. He talked about it every single Monday Night game for the rest of the year -- even if the two teams playing had no connection whatsoever to Brett “Real. Comfortable.” Favre or Aaron Rodgers or the Packers or the Jets. “Well, it’s 3 and long for the Buccaneers, Carolina has a solid lead right now, and I think the question on everyone in America’s mind is: did the Packers make the right choice? Jaws, your thoughts?” (Actually, I got a thought: SCREW YOU ESPN for letting him get away with that crap all season!)
But, seriously -- what am I getting mad for? I mean, like Brett Favre says, “Hey man, ain’t nothin’ more comfortable than some Wranglers. NOTHIN.” …or at least that’s what I pretend he’s saying when he’s wearing his Wrangler jeans and throwing fade routes to his Labradors in that commercial. I wish I was one of Brett Favre’s friends, they're all so down to earth. And they all drive trucks. Tuff trucks. And they all wear Wrangler jeans. Real. Comfortable. Wrangler Jeans.
A lot of coaches got fired this year. The Cleveland Browns gave Romeo “Cheeseburger” Crennell the big boot (bout time). But, not to worry -- Romeo bounced back in a big way: he’s scheduled to star as “Officer Carl Winslow” in the Broadway (Ave.) Production of Family Matters: The Musical, AND he just signed on to play “Doc” in the upcoming film Punch-Out!! The Movie.
I heard he locked-it-up at the audition with his “Select-button/Stamina Technique”, but that’s just the rumor.
In other news, the Lions went 0-16… and I blame this picture: Doesn’t get much gayer than that.
Plaxico Burress shot himself while wearing these sweatpants at a titty-bar. Yeah I know. Sweatpants at a titty bar -- no class.
Braylon Edwards was there to drop the ball in New York City for New Year’s Eve this year, just like he did the entire 2008 season. (c'mon, 137 drops dude? Nobody cares you played at Michigan, either -- just catch the rock) 3, 2, 1 ... Happy New Year!
Damn look how swole Ed Hochuli is. Does he get tested for HGH? If his balls aren’t shrinking, his brain sure is because this blown call right HERE is definitely going on The Refs “Greatest Hits/Worst Calls in History” album, once it comes out. Two-disc set.
Brady Quinn: 8 endorsements this year, played about 10 quarters of football. When he broke his finger, I can’t help but wonder if he said, “NOW I’M DONE” like in his bro-drink commercial:
Another favorite theme of mine this year? The hot new look for field goal kickers and holders. Check out the Timex IndiGlo/wedding band combination.
This guy was grillin’ Brats and rockin a polo shirt from Kohl’s literally 4 minutes before this play started. Oh and the kicker missed. I guess that’s IndiGlo for ya!
Another great Kicker moment from this year was “Monday Night Jihad” – a story penned by Atlanta Falcons Kicker Jason Elam. Check out this description:
After a tour of duty in Afghanistan, Riley Covington is living his dream as a professional linebacker when he comes face-to-face with a radical terrorist group on his own home turf. Drawn into the nightmare around him, Riley returns to his former life as a member of a special ops team that crosses oceans in an attempt to stop the escalating attacks. But time is running out, and it soon becomes apparent that the terrorists are on the verge of achieving their goal: to strike at the very heart of America.
All it’s missing is Trey Parker and Matt Stone screaming “FUCK YEAH!!!” on that last ‘America.’
So that’s a wrap. Can’t wait to see what 2009 has in store for us … hopefully no more of this:
"Every kiss begins with Kay"? No every ulcer begins with one of those goddamn commercials. Who the F has money to buy diamonds these days? Shut your MOUTH already Kay Jewelers, before I give it a smack. What? Don't think I won't Carlo Rizzi a jewel company... I've done it before, I'll do it again. You guinea brat you.
Forget diamonds. Get her something that counts. Get her something that stands out. Get her something that says "I'm a lady."
If you’ve ever met me, overheard me ramble, or read my super-secret diary, then you’d know just how much I love Halloween. I mean, I actually LIVE for it. And when I say “live,” I mean just that. Because I don’t just “dress up” on Halloween -- I transform.
We’re talkin’ 364 days of preparation, and one night of perfection. Because, like I said, I don’t just put on a costume… I become the character. To put it bluntly: I “De Niro” that shit.
Like last year I was all ripped and whatnot, so I went out as John Basedow… you know, the guy who does those workout commercials and he’s always flexing/lifting under a waterfall for some reason and he has sort of a lesbian pompadour going on? Yeah, that costume was a huge hit.
Or the year before when I ballooned up to 340 and went as Jared from Subway (the “before” version) -- that took some serious discipline (thanks again, "Frito Lay diet"). But again, I’m all about commitment.
And I’m always looking for/thinking about future costume ideas. Like if I ever lose a leg, BAM: I’m a pirate for Halloween every year. Or if I ever wind up rockin’ a wheelchair: I’m Corey Haim in “Silver Bullet.” Those are extreme circumstances, I know, but hey -- you gotta look on the bright side of things.
I even daydream, from time to time, about how SWEET it’s going to be when I lose my hair. I mean, think about how many great, bald cinema-psychopaths there are: Hannibal Lector, Nicholson in “The Shining”, Clarence Boddicker (“Robocop”), either one of the Fratelli Brothers (“Goonies”), about 4 Kevin Spacey characters, or Joe Pesci from “Home Alone.” The sky’s the limit (when I’m bald)!
skip to 5:25 = best line ever (after being arrested)
Anyway, Halloween’s right around the corner, so there’s no time to try and do what I did. Your best bet is to wait until November 1st and either begin some sort of extreme diet regimen or become involved in a freak, life-altering accident. That’s where I’d start. In the meantime, I do have a few other Halloween “pointers” to throw your way… Enjoy!
“HALLOWEEN FUN” TIPS
1.) Safety is vital around Halloween time, and when it comes to candy you can never be too safe. So, be sure to check all candy before passing any out. One measure is to completely unwrap and inspect each piece, ensuring that it’s free from poison, razors, or (especially) lead paint -- since most candy comes from China* (*a fact I just made up a second ago). When inspection is complete, simply re-wrap candy, place in bowl and have fun handing out all those super-safe treats!
2.) Trick-or-treaters sure do love getting treats… but they also love tricks. So, be sure to set up a number of elaborate Rube Goldberg-style booby-traps and plenty of large objects to obstruct a clear path to your front door. Kids these days love a good challenge anyway. Fire is also a good alternative.
3.) If you have children who are going out trick-or-treating, it’s a good idea to starve them for at least 11 hours prior. Sure, they’ll cry hunger -- but you know better. Letting them go hungry is a good way to instill a good ol’ fashioned American work-ethic in them, where being “hungry” can make for a quick rise to the top. After all, that’s what capitalism’s all about! And when they come home with 4 pillowcases full of candy (as opposed to their friends’ 1 pillowcase) they’ll thank you with all their heart for teaching them such discipline.
4.) Hey, it’s Halloween… so be scary! Turn off all your lights, set up a chair in the bushes, and ask kids -- in a soft, creepy whisper -- if they “want some candy.” Or, jump out of a tree and “candy ambush” them (kids love that)! OR -- if no kids come down your street, passing out candy from the side door of your van is a practical solution (the only scary part there is high gas prices!).
5.) When your children return home from trick-or-treating, be sure to inspect their candy for them. Take special care to remove any “unhealthy” items and replace them with delicious, whole-grain solutions. Then, take all 60 of those Reese’s Cups and stash them in your closet. You want to be Jared next year for Halloween, don’t you?
Q. Blankets are probably the oldest and greatest invention in the history of all mankind -- how could you possibly make them sweeter?
A.By adding sleeves.
It's called "The Snuggie. It's a blanket. And it's got sleeves.
It's perfect for keeping warm and staying hands-free and apparently getting down on mad games of Backgammon.
It's also great for: pretending you're a Jedi knight, convincing your neighbors you've joined a scary religious cult, re-enacting the high school graduation ceremony to which you were never invited, assisting in a Catholic mass, or recording an album of indiscernible Latin chanting.
But if you really want to complete the look then you totally gotta get the "The Hillow" -- the pillow you wear as a hat.
